How it starts

So last night I had an epiphany; i'm not going to get any younger and i'm certainly not going to win any awards for parent / boyfriend of the year if I carry on being the miserable old codger that I have become.

All I would win if I didn't change is solitude and heartache.

It seems that a little over 15 years ago something happened to me that didnt just change me physically, but mentally also. Almost as if my whole DNA was re-written and in the blink of an eye I became unstable, angry, frustrated and paranoid, so so paranoid.

In my head everyone hated me, and everyone was against me. I had resentment for my family and freinds, I wanted to be alone and failing that wanted to not be.

I didn't know until quite recently (about 9 months ago) that I was bottling all this anger, worry, pain and insecurity up in the back of my mind, pretending that none of it mattered. But in turn this was turning me into a person i really did not want to be!

Angry, paranoid, frustrated...

Call it psychosis, call it post traumatic stress, or depression, or anxiety, or if you're totally one of my "biggest fans" call it a weakness, I started down that same road as before.

I hated everyone, everything and i didn't trust a single person either (DTA was my motto - Don't Trust Anyone - ok I admit I kinda stole that motto from "Stone Cold" Steve Austin) but it seemed right to hate people.

I even started hating my own kids and girlfriend! Very bad times! Very bad indeed...

I wanted the easy way out, I even bought loads of packets of paracetamol and a hose pipe and kept it all in the boot of my car for when that right moment arose... I'd never once given thought to the people that would be left behind I was too tempted by the thought of being free.

This subject is all too taboo, because just like me people do not want to talk and admit weakness to anyone, we all like to appear strong of mind and we all want peoples respect whether friends, family or colleagues sometimes no matter the cost to ourselves.

Either way i'm 9 months on from a breakdown and couldn't be in better shape [Mentally that is, physically i'm still the size of the average sumo wrestler] I have the love and support from my family (something that was always there but I was too blind to see) and with help from my doctors and specialists at the hospital i'm finally on track to enjoy my life again.

What I want people to realise is everyone needs someone, everyone needs support and even when people appear strong sometimes they just need a hug or a pat on the back to reasure them, or even just a friendly hello to make people feel like they are not alone.

If everyone reading this today can just smile at a stranger and wish them a good day, hold the door for the person behind you, give up your seat on the train or bus for that person thats struggling or just drop 50p in that charity collection bucket then you could be preventing something potentially disatrous without ever realising.

Thats enough of the past, now lets look forward to the future.

Rob